The plan involves tricking the boys into following them to this scary mine shaft, then using a magic illusion to fool them into stripping to their underwear. “There are four mortal boys who need to be taught a lesson,” she explains, and after promising that if they help her out, she’ll stay at Baxter High - she’s got her fingers crossed behind her back, naturally - the mean girls agree. With some encouragement from Witchy Wardwell, who tells Sabrina to “fight fire with hellfire” by “enlisting the baddest bitches you know to help,” Sabrina turns to her tormentors: the Weird Sisters. Those football pricks bully Susie again, and while she makes this valiant effort to just ram into them, the whole fight ends with her badly beaten and also suspended. Aww! I’m trying to enjoy this couple while I can because you know there’s gonna be some dark, handsome witch boy at the Academy of Dramatic Magic Tricks or wherever Sabrina’s about to enroll, and Sabrina (and I) will forget all about this kid. But Harvey is undeterred he wants to spend every Saturday with Sabrina forever and ever. Zelda gives him a death stare over a little Get Out–style stir of her tea. Harvey swings by to surprise Sabrina for breakfast. But everything is going to be fine!! Zelda overhears this blasphemy and MURDERS HILDA, which of course is merely a temporary thing, but apparently older sisters are allowed to just kill their younger sisters in the witch world? As a youngest child I am not about that life (and by life I mean death).
(“He could’ve been a movie star, like cousin Montgomery.” Um, CLIFT? I promise to keep Harry Potter references to a minimum here, but Sabrina’s dad sounds extremely Sirius Black–like, and I am here for it.) Hilda admits to Sabrina that she had her own doubts about signing the book, but “us girls didn’t have any options back then,” and sometimes she fantasizes about burning down the entire forest. We also learn that Blackwood used to be Sabrina’s dad’s mentor, until Sabrina’s dad, a cool, handsome genius, surpassed him. I do not buy that, personally I just get the feeling that signing your name in blood in something called The Book of the Beast is a little more permanent than all that. What clinches the deal for Sabrina is that Father Blackwood tells her there are, to use a scientific term, backsies: She can go through her Dark Baptism, attend the magic school to ask them her questions and get some answers, strengthen the witch community with her probing mind, and if she doesn’t like it, she can just leave. I have a feeling this inquiry was about as thorough as one of those internal investigations they did at NBC to determine that none of the network heads did anything wrong and never even heard the faintest whimper about Matt Lauer’s under-desk door-locking button. “An inquiry was held,” Father Blackwood assures her. But she keeps her cool and even has the chutzpah to ask why she has to dump Harvey if her parents were allowed to stay together - turns out her dad got “a special dispensation from Satan himself,” which, whoa - and, as long as we’re on the subject, were her parents murdered? Sabrina is, as a rational person would be, terrified. Photo: Diyah Pera/Netflix/Diyah Pera/Netflixįather Blackwood, with a Brylcreem sheen in his hair and an evil glint in his eye, assures Sabrina that the Dark Lord is a super-reasonable guy, definitely not “the embodiment of evil,” and that witches don’t even believe in hell, and anyway, she won’t die for like a million years, so she has nothing to worry about!